


Blue Ocean

by monbebemuseum



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018)
Genre: Idiots in Love, M/M, Minor Character Death, Not Beta Read, accidentally deep, angsty for two seconds, cardboard ben - Freeform, started as a crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 10:07:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18386285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monbebemuseum/pseuds/monbebemuseum
Summary: Ben gets jealous over Cardy B and decides that he can't run from Joe anymore.





	Blue Ocean

**Author's Note:**

> started; 25 nov 2018, 8:53 pm
> 
> finished; 7 april 2019, 11:52 am

Ben scrolled through his Instagram feed hazily, not paying much mind to the pictures passing in and out of his view. His finger absentmindedly double tapped the photos, red sweater-arms dropping down and gracing the tips of his nails and tickling the inside of his palm. The sensation brought Ben back into the reality he had been ignoring. He glanced down and a small, dorky face lit up his screen, one he hadn't seen in person in too long. The video was only twenty-three seconds long, Ben let it play more than a few times on loop before he could really hear it. Joe's stupid Ben accent, the one he had mimicked poorly nearly everyday on set. The same one he rushed to reassure Ben was just a joke when he thought it had upset the man.  _'Is this a bloody joke Joseph?'_  Ben caught himself thinking. At some point he had clicked on Joe's profile and another picture of the cardboard cutout, the forehead dent becoming increasingly worse as he swiped through the photo set.

Within a day Joe had become obsessed with the figure, Gwilym had told Ben about it on the phone during their first night in Japan, and refused to leave it behind. It was funny, yes, and it would probably stay funny for a while, yes (especially with all the accounts newly dedicated to their cardboard friend), but Ben wasn't too happy with Joe's recent discovery. They've not seen each other in a month and Ben was irritated. He was irritated with "Cardboard Ben", he was irritated with his best friend, he was irritated with Gwilym for getting him the damned thing, and he was irritated with himself. He was irritated with himself for feeling irritated at all, which his quite ironic considering all he ever was was irritated, especially at Joseph Mazzello.

He didn't understand exactly why he couldn't stand the cardboard figure. Maybe it was because it got to spend more time with Joe then Ben did himself. Maybe it was because Joe was non stop posting about the cutout. Maybe it was because Ben had been lacking an emotionally and romantically connecting partner for so long that he was progressively becoming jealous of a cardboard shape of himself. Regardless of the reason or the circumstance, Ben knew that he had to gain Joe's attention back.

☪︎·̩͙

"You promised you wouldn't post them," Joe whined in Ben's ear, dragging out the m softly. "And the caption! What are you on sir!" Ben shook his head and lowered the phone from the shell of his ear for a moment, placing it on the counter in front of him after pressing the speaker button and resuming his previous work of shaving his face from before Joe had called.

"It's a good photo Joseph, the fans love it." He paused for a moment, rinsing the shaving cream off the tip of the razor and going back above his cupid's bow. "Besides, what's up with that stupid cutout anyway? Rami says you always have it with you anymore. I thought he was joking before Roger sent me a picture of you curled up with it." Ben wasn't concentrating on what he was saying but rather on the speck of hair below his left nostril so he didn't notice the expanse of of void silence until Joe broke it with a change in tone.

Ben could hear the sadness in his voice, he didn't have to see him to know that he was upset. Ben could visualize Joe's nostrils flaring, his lips jutting out to match Deaky's, his eyes glossing over and darting around from object to object to try and keep himself from crying. "It's not stupid, he's not stupid." Joe whispered before hanging up the phone quickly. Ben glanced down with a start, wondering what he had said that was so wrong. Recalling the words silently he realized what it had been. Cardboard Ben seemed to mean a lot more to Joe than any of them had anticipated, and Ben really didn't know how to fix it; or if he should fix it at all? Joe seemed content with the cutout of their lead drummer, or actor of, and Ben didn't know if he should take that away from him.

Ben placed his hand on the sink to steady himself. Dripping water filled the silence, gathering at the metal hole that matched the sturdy porcelain. "Hey Siri," Ben spoke wearily, waiting for the same alerting noise to signify that she heard his voice. "Call dumbass."

"Call dumbass with three heart emojis?" Siri echoed in a now questioning tone, or as questioning as an automated voice box could get. Ben hesitated for a moment before telling the phone to proceed, "calling dumbass with three heart emojis" leaving the speaker before it shut off.

Frank Sinatra filled the room with every set of vibrations as Ben held his breath, dreading and hoping Joe picking up all the same. When the call connected Ben let a bubble of air out in relief, so Joe wasn't completely angry with him. The two remained silent before the elder decided to say something — anything. "I'm sorry. I didn't know it,  _he_ , meant so much to you."

Breathing on the other line was all Ben could hear, but it was enough to ease some of his nerves. He knew Joe was listening. Ben's hand clasped around his razor, bringing it back up to his face steadily compared to a moment ago. "Can you explain it to me?" Ben spoke once more, waiting patiently and deciding he wouldn't speak again if Joe didn't reply.

A sigh could be audibly heard on the other side and then a shuffle, Joe was sitting up. Ben was both ashamed and impressed with himself that he knew the elder's movements simply based on sound, but that was a thought for another time. "I don't really understand it myself," Joe breathed into the speaker before another pause swept over the two. Ben had finished shaving both sides of his face and managed to get the one hair he had been focused on.

"When Gwilym gave me the cutout I was confused. It was stupid and I knew that, I still know that. But you don't know how sad I was that you couldn't come with us to Japan and Gwilym and Rami knew that. So they gave me the cardboard thing and I just decided to try. It was hard at first, pretending it was you, but after awhile it became easier." Ben stared down at the phone, hearing the strain in Joe's voice. This was hard for him and Ben hadn't been very respectful of that. When the other was done he knew he should apologize.

"Ben we never get to see each other," a pause. "I miss you and this is all I have." Another. Ben's eyes had widened and a hand had traveled its way to his mouth to latch onto one of his nails, a nervous habit. Joseph didn't say anything else, waiting for Ben to reply; a reply that Ben didn't know how to supply to himself, much less to the older man.

Ben missed him too. He missed him more than anything. They hadn't seen each other for more than a month, since before the Japan trip, and Ben frankly couldn't stand it at all. Over the filming of BoRap, the cast had grown intimately close; though out of all of them him and Joe were inseparable, attached at the hip if you will. When there was one there was the other, no matter the order. When one was busy, the other was busy with him. Joseph Mazzello had quickly worked his way into Ben's heart and Ben didn't know what to do about it.

At first it had been purely friendship. Their companionship was strong and incomparable to many, but that's all it was. Then that night with Rami happened. Joe had come to his room at three am. Not upset, not sad, not crying, thank god for that because Ben swore on his life and Joseph's own that Rami would be dead if that was the situation. Smoke filled the air as they talked to each other, or Joe talked and Ben listened. Rami and Joe had hooked up after a night of drinking. He had woken up around two in Rami's bed and had left, admittedly probably not the best choice. Ben had asked Joe a few questions but didn't push. Did he regret it? No. Was he okay with it? No. Did he have feelings for Rami? Not anything more than sexual attraction. So he was attracted to men? Obviously.

Ben was honored that he was the first one Joe thought to come to. It overjoyed him as it truly secured in his mind that this was his best friend. But something else developed that night. A twinge of jealousy seeping into his eyes as Joe recalled the story step by step. Ben was jealous over a man. This confused him, he couldn't lie. But it didn't scare him like he figured it should. He respected the thought that maybe it was just a blip, or maybe it was a side of himself that he had never taken the time to discover.

What scared him the most was not that Joe was a man, but that Joe was Joe. Joe was his best friend, someone he could tell anything to. Joe, pure, smile filled, happy Joe. Ben didn't want to ruin what they had due to his own stupid feelings. He couldn't even fathom how Joe would begin to react if he figured it out, so Ben did what he knew best.

He distanced himself.

The real reason Ben hadn't gone to Japan was because he knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself from telling Joe everything, simply because that's what he had become accustomed to doing. So he made up some stupid lie about being drowned in work and having to catch up. Gwilym and Rami knew this wasn't true, but poor, naïve Joe believed it and bid his goodbye.

Truly believing that the distance would fix everything, Ben occupied himself with anything he could find. His agent searched for new projects to work on and Ben threw himself into music. He'd had a thing for it since grade school so why not pick it up before it was too late.

About a week into the trip the boys had all decided to facetime Ben, and that's when he knew that his little "therapy time" hadn't worked in the slightest. Seeing Joe's face again was one of the biggest reliefs Ben had ever experienced. Like he had been away from home for years and he was finally returning to that smell, that warmth, that comfort that he had been missing. They talked for hours until Rami and Gwilym had to go. They had used Joe's phone and were in his hotel room but it had gotten late while the four conversed. Eyes flickered from the phone screen in front of him to the two leaving his room, a silent bid of goodnight before Joe was back to focusing on Ben in a comfortable silence.

_"I miss you," Joe whispered. Ben watched him tentatively, minding his reaction. "You would've loved it here. We've gone to every spot the band visited when they came and we're spending the last week to ourselves. The people here are so kind, Ben. The ones that recognize us keep asking for you. It made me realize how much I want you to be here with m– us. How much I want you to be here with us."_

_Ben watched as Joe closed his eyes, resting his back into the pillows. He looked beautiful, the dark orange light from the lamp next to his bed painting his face in empty escapades. "I miss you too," was all Ben choked out before quickly bidding him goodbye and hanging up the call._

Placing the razor down onto the counter, Ben ran a hand through his hair and allowed his eyes to slip shut momentarily. "Do you want to take a trip to England?"

☪︎·̩͙

The trip was long and Joe remembered why he hadn't taken it before. The plane had been delayed a couple hours due to the weather, Ben explained the weather was always bad in Britain. He landed in Christchurch and traveled to Bournemouth by taxi. Considering this was the first time Joe had ever stepped foot in the United Kingdom he was enthralled by the unlimited sights. Bournemouth is known for having seven miles of beaches, something Joe didn't know until the taxi driver smiled back at him and explained the town to Joe. It was a beautiful location. He knew that Ben had been raised here, or he figured by the way he talked about it, yet he couldn't fathom spending his life there himself. He was used to the honks from cars and black smoke from industrial sites, not the crystal blue of ocean and the smell of sea salt tickling his nose.

Ben picked him up from a resort area close to his home. They hugged briefly, Ben's hair tickling Joe's nose similar to the plethora of sea salt in the air. The two didn't say anything. Ben lead Joe back to his car and opened the door for him. He bowed his head in thanks before Ben fell behind the steering wheel. A silence that once would've been comfortable stifled the new encounter. Joe itched to say something, anything, but couldn't come up with anything  _to_  say. Ben watched Joe's hand tap repeatedly through the corner of his eye, a nervous tick that Ben himself had picked up from the elder. Without thinking he reached out and took Joe's hand in his, securing his fingers in a loose grip that Joe could exit if he wanted.

Yellow merged into grey as the car droned on in the silence that had captured the two in the beginning, but now there was a small smile painted on one of their faces and two hands interlocked in the other's lap. Ben drove with one hand and Joe was no longer worried about breaking the silence, instead he found himself basking in it.   
  
Expertly painted stepping stones lined the driveway to a beach house close to the edge of the ocean. The house was planted on "house stilts" as Joe referred to them, making the uprising current slip between the wooden pillars. Ben pulled the car up under the carport and turned off the ignition. Joe sat still, not moving to exit the car or the grip Ben still held on his hand. The silence lingered until Ben grew tired of not talking to the man he had been waiting over a month to see. He turned his body to face the elder but didn't pull his grip away, situating himself in an awkward angle but one that would work for the time being.

"Joe–"

"Ben–"

The two stopped and stared at each other. Since when had they become two cliché teenage boys in a coming of age drama that couldn't talk to each other? "You first," Joe breathed out, Ben meeting him with a gentle nod.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything. For not coming on the Japan trip, for not being there for you when you needed me, for judging you when you needed me the  _most_. I would never hurt you intentionally Joe, you're my best friend." Ben looked down at his left hand, the one not trapped in Joe's own, and picked at his middle finger nail with his thumb. Joe didn't say anything but Ben couldn't bring himself to look up.

"Is that all I am?" Joseph whispered, carefully slipping his own hand out of Ben's. Blue surrounded the car. The ocean was a light crystal blue, the house was a darker denim, little stars were painted on the ceiling of the carport in a teal. 'Blue Ocean' started playing through Joe's head as he occupied himself by counting the teal stars, allowing Ben some time to think.

Yet Ben didn't need to think. He didn't need to think about his next reply, he didn't need to think about how he felt. But Joe knew that too. They both knew. The reason Joe was giving him time was because of the hesitance he knew Ben had been having ever since he invited Joe to Bournemouth. He was letting him know that it was okay to say yes, that's all Joe was to him. He was letting him know that if he did say yes, Joe would get out of the car and continue on like they hadn't ever had the conversation. He was letting him know that if he did say yes, there would never be a chance to go back and say no. So Ben did what he didn't need to think about.

"No, but you know that."

"I do."

Ben looked up at the ceiling of his car and allowed himself to think back to all the times they'd spent together. It really did seem like they'd been friends forever. Their relationship reminded him of something his mother had said to him when he was young. He hadn't remembered the distant memory until now, but everything seemed to click.

_Ben's mother sat at their dinner table with the green tablecloth wrapped around her fist, her knuckles white. A steady flow of jazz music flowed from the left side of their living area, but he could tell she couldn't hear it. He watched her for a moment, taking in the rise and fall of her chest as she heaved out heavy breaths._

_The first time she had looked like this he was around seven. She had gotten a call. They had been playing a game of miniature jinga when the shrill scream of the telephone broke Ben from his concentration. She looked behind her shoulder before looking back at her son and giving him a quick smirk, he knew she figured it was his father. Twisting her body slightly she grabbed the phone and brought it to her ear, putting a finger to her lips with her eyes crinkled up in a silent laugh. Ben did as he was told, placing a small hand over his pink lips. She listened for a moment before her hand fell and landed on the table they were sitting at. Her eyes dropped as she listened with deep intent. "Yes. Yes that's her. Okay, thank you for telling me. Yes, wait no. I don't think so? I'm not sure." She carefully picked her words, this was the slowest Ben had ever heard her speak. She was typically a quite fast talker, especially when she was elated. "Yes, thank you again." The phone dropped from her ear and slipped from her hand, landing on the wooden floor boards with a crack. Ben's eyes widened, darting for the falling telephone. He hadn't made it in time but grabbed the cord as fast as he could._

_After placing the phone back in its spot, Ben glanced back at his mother. She was still, all except for her chest. Her eyes were glazed over, she was staring at her hands but Ben knew she couldn't see them. His father was on a business trip in Bangkok and he didn't know his number, so he opted to make his way around the table and sit back down on his seat._

_The two sat in silence for what felt like hours. In reality it was around forty-five minutes but to a seven year old this was eternity. Still, he sat with his hands carefully placed in his lap and his eyes trained on his mother, searching for signs of activity. Eventually she saw. She started to see again. Ben watched as she seemed to shake sleep out of her body even though her eyes had been open. He couldn't recall her blinking, though. "M-mom?" He tried, his voice breaking slightly after being silent for so long. She glanced up at him through her eyelashes, biting down on her lower lip._

_"It's your aunt." She spoke. But that's all she said. She placed her open palms on the same green tablecloth Ben would live with until she threw it out a couple months before his seventeenth birthday. She pushed herself up and the chair fell behind her. Any other time she would rush to pick it up, that's how they were. But this time she shoved one of the chair legs out of her way and slipped out of the room with her arms hanging at her sides and her head lowered._

_Ben shouldn't have known what she meant. He shouldn't have assumed the worst. But he did. His aunt had been suffering from immense health problems since before he was conceived, and Ben knew._

_This time was no different. Ben knew not to interact with her when she was like this, he had learned that the second time. He stood propped up against the door seal leading into their kitchen from a hallway connected to their living area. Silence basked over them except for the quiet jazz music that Ben couldn't recognize. Ben's mother was a changing person, constantly trying new styles of clothing and attempting new hobbies. This was just another change that Ben didn't even bat an eye at._

_"Benjamin." She began the speech that Ben would remember when sitting in a car with the man he knew he loved more than anyone else. "Sometimes there's going to be people in your life that you just get. You're not going to understand this now, but you will." She was right, it took him nearly a decade to finally realize what she meant. "You're going to meet someone one day and you're going to feel like you've known them forever. You're going to place them in memories of you with other people, because you want it to be them so bad." Her hand released the tablecloth and traveled the expanse of the table top before wrapping her slender fingers around his father's keys. "You're going to have memories that you're one hundred percent sure didn't happen with them, but they'll seem so real that you're not even sure you haven't known them forever."_

_Ben stood in silence, watching her eyes steadily. A single tear slipped down her cheek and he felt the pull to wrap his arms around her and run a hand through her hair. He didn't. "That person, Ben. Do not let them go. There will not be another one."_

_That night, Ben learned his father had gotten into a car crash and had passed away on the way to the hospital._

Blinking rapidly, Ben attempted to erase the memory from the tears threatening to slip out of his eyes. "I'm terrified, Joe. I've never felt this way before. So I ran. I tried to put as much distance between you and myself as fast as I could because maybe it would go away. Maybe I would forget the whole thing and find a nice woman to spend the rest of my life with while you were in Japan with Rami." He could practically  _feel_ Joe's harsh intake of breath at the mention of Rami. Ben didn't even have to go into any further detail, Joe knew that he was talking about that night. "But here I am, Joe. Here I am more conflicted than ever. I almost lost you because I couldn't do it. I couldn't find someone else, okay? I can't do it. I won't. Because it's you and it's always going to be you. And I'm really stupidly in love with you and I don't want to be in love with anyone else."

Chills ran up Joe's body as Ben finally said what he had been waiting for since Ben had taught Joe how to play the chorus of their Queen song.  _Theirs_. Here Ben was, saying everything Joe ever wanted, and he was frozen. His lips felt sewn shut, his tongue felt like stone.  His fingers itched to feel Ben's in his own but he couldn't lift them. His eyes fluttered shut and his nose flared, contradictory actions to how he was feeling. Blue danced around in his head as 'Blue Ocean' sang quietly, a hum compared to the emotions flowing through his mind. All he needed to do was say one word and that would be enough. Ben would know and they could work everything out and maybe even be... together? Maybe.  _'You have to say it first to even be thinking about it.'_

Silence fell upon them once again like a blanket you'd put over a small, fussy child. Ben couldn't breathe, he felt like he was drowning. Like water was filling his throat at a rapid pace and the salt was just a polite way to say regret. So he did what he knew. He started to run.

He felt around blindly for the door handle, trying to make the least noise that he could. When he found it, he inhaled and exhaled before pulling it towards him. The door fell open and Ben placed one leg out into the ocean air before feeling a hand on his right wrist. He closed his eyes and didn't make any further movements towards getting out nor towards the man in his passenger seat. He waited for a moment, longer than a moment, before nodding in disappointment when Joe moved to say nothing. Going to pull himself out of the car, he froze when Joe cleared his throat. "I'm scared too, okay? I know that seems stupid because I know what it's like being with a man. I know what it's like thinking someone's "the one." But this is different. This is you. This is you and I'm terrified because I don't want to lose you." Ben lowered his eyes to his left and free hand, tracing a rip in his blue jeans. "But I'm not so terrified that I'm going to give up on this. Because I need this more than you ever know. I  _need_ you and I will until you tell me not to need you anymore. So please don't do that, because I'm in love with you too."

Ben felt like he could breathe again. Fresh air rushed back into his lungs all at once and he could  _breathe_. The sound of waves crashing against the shore and a beeping sound from down the street as a cause to someone's car and seagulls calling to each other fell on his ears and he could  _hear_ again. He felt Joe's hand fall off his wrist and carefully slip down to grasp his hand, fingers interlocking once again. Everything fell into place and Ben truly felt exactly as his mother had promised he would feel.

And for the first time since he had met Joe, Ben finally felt whole again.

**Author's Note:**

> the speech his mother gave him in the end was very loosely based off of the speech Elio's father gives him in 'Call Me By Your Name.' i really hope you enjoyed this, it's a bit rushed but fast paced stories are the ones i write the best so. this is my first work in the borap cast fandom and i don't plan on leaving anytime soon.


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